Letting Go of My Security Blanket

For all of my life I have worn my hair on the longer side.  Knowing that hair loss can be a side effect of weight loss surgery, that was  side effect I thought I was prepared to deal with, until it happened.  I'll never forget the day I was getting ready for work (3 months post op) and noticed the thinning of my hair.  I cried.  Boo-hoo-bucket tears.  It was soooooo thin.  I masked it as best as I could and resolved that, if necessary, I would get a sewn in weave.  Luckily it never got THAT bad and started to grow back after about 3 months.

The last time I got my hair relaxed I got the damaged ends cut off and had my hair layered (a style I love).  I kept it a medium length and immediately thought (when I got home) that I should have gone shorter.  In my mind, for the past 3 months, I have been envisioning myself with shorter hair.  So, today I finally bit the bullet and had it cut really short.  Here it is...

    

I have NEVER gone this short before, but I LOVE it.  I usually tear up when I get my hair cut, even if its my my choice, not by necessity.  Not even a hint of a tear this time.  

Of course the question everyone wants answered is why.  Why this short?  Why now?  The short answer is that I am turning 40 (God willing) next month and this is a part of the "new me."  The real answer is that I never felt secure enough with the way I looked to go short.  My hair was my security blanket.  It kept me shielded when I needed to be.  I could hide behind it.  Now that I have lost 80+ pounds and I have gained a bit of self esteem, I want to show me off, if that makes sense.  

Swimming Update

I was scheduled to begin swimming lessons on July 7th, however the organization I was taking classes through had to get approval to use the pool which took longer than anticipated, so the lessons were pushed back to July 14th.  July 14th came and the instructor didn't.  There was another instructor present, doing private swimming lessons who felt bad for us and gave us some basic tips on holding our breath, kicking our legs, and pushing off the wall to glide through the water.

This past weekend, the instructor did show up.  There was a mis-communication and while we (the students) were informed of the class, the instructor was not.  So my first "official" lesson went well.  I learned how to breathe underwater for an extended period of time, how to hold my breath (and let it out under water) while kicking my legs, how to move my arms, and how to put it all together and push off the wall and SWIM!  I really enjoyed myself and I'm looking forward to being as good as my little fish, Lyss.

Love Wins

This post is totally unrelated to weight loss, however it something I am feeling compelled to post on.

I rarely watch tv, let alone the news, but I would have to live under a rock not to know about the Trayvon Martin case. The verdict in the case was handed down tonight and George Zimmerman was found "not guilty."  People are, understandably, upset and emotions are running rampant. And all I can do is what gets me through every tough time, turn to God. As I pondered whether or not to post something on Facebook, or respond to the numerous posts I read, I first turned to my daily reading of "Our Daily Bread."  And in today's reading I found a very fitting reference to Luke 6:27-36. I could never do justice to paraphrasing God's word, so take a moment and read it for yourself. Luke 6:27-36

It never ceases to amaze me how God will direct your (my) path if we are just still. Many of the things that happen in our world today are not for us to understand. I always have to remind myself that it is God's will, not my desire. Justice and retaliation are not ours. The Lord will see that any justice that needs to be served will be.

So where does that leave us?  There is a lesson in everything. We all have to find our individual lessons and grow. Were your first thoughts/feelings anger or hatred?  Pray to The Lord to remove those feelings from your heart and draw you closer to Him. When I am feeling overwhelmed by the happenings in our world today I am often taken back to the senseless killings of the teachers and students at Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 14, 2012. I follow the Facebook page of the parents of Ana Marquez-Green and am astounded at how their faith has gotten them through the most horrific nightmare that any parent can experience. The common theme though all of their posts is that love wins. You can choose to hate, or you can choose love. In the end, love will always win.

We are all in this together.  LOVE WINS!

Thunder Thighs

About a month ago I posted this picture on a facebook group for sleevers with the caption "Trying to be comfortable with my thighs. Wore this to the gym early (before the crowd)."

 In the last month I have worked my ass off in the gym and at home doing a variety of leg strength exercises and have come to like my "thunder thighs."  Today when I exercise I can see the muscular definition in my thighs.  And though they aren't "little", they are the thighs I have worked so hard for.



I came across this, and thought it summed things up perfectly.

PS - Swimming lessons were postponed until next week.  I am all set to go! 

Taking the plunge...

I just signed myself up for swimming lessons.  Yes, I'm 39 years old (will be turning 40 - God willing - in 2 months) and I do not know how to swim.

Growing up, the camps I attended had teenage counselors and my mother didn't trust them to teach me to swim, so I was always restricted to just sitting on the edge of the pool and putting my feet in the water.  Later, as an adult (who paid for my own hair to get done) I had no desire to swim and have to deal with my hair afterwards.  Then, as a married woman I reasoned that I was too fat for my husband to teach me to swim, and I didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit, so it was a definite no go.  At the root of all of these excuses was (and is) fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failure.  Irrational, base-less fear.

Not wanting my 6 year old daughter to grow up with my fears, I have had her in swim lessons for the past 2 years.  I watch how fearless she is and she has inspired me to take the plunge.  I'll keep you posted on how it goes...

It's My Surgiversary!!

This will be a long one, so grab a snack or a drink, sit back and relax as I take you through the last year of my life...

One year ago I took that step from which there has been no turning back.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I took my daughter to camp and gave her a big hug and kiss and prayed to God that I would live to see her again.  You see, I was voluntarily putting myself through an elective surgery, the vertical sleeve gastrectomy, in an effort to lose weight and become healthier.  I had been told a few months earlier that I was pre-diabetic, had high cholesterol, and was seriously deficient in vitamins D, B12, and iron.  I was a ticking time bomb and I didn't even know it.  But was this the right thing to do?  I lost 17 pounds on my own as I prepared for surgery.  Surely it I just gave it one more go, I could lose the weight.  Sure I could.  But it would inevitably come right back, just as it always had.  I owed it to myself and my family to go through with the surgery.  God had my back; He always does.

I arrived at Abington Memorial Hospital at the appointed hour and was prepared to wait (like hospitals/doctors always have you wait).  To my surprise I was whisked back to my preparation area (that looked like where you are seen in an emergency room).  The nurses came in for my vitals and then told me I needed to take a pregnancy test, just to be sure.  I assured her that I had taken one the night before, but off I went to pee in the cup.  Not pregnant, phew!  Next, came the most handsome Dr. G.  He reviewed exactly what we would be doing and wrote "VSG" on my tummy.  I thought it was so hilarious, but I appreciated it at the same time.  There would be no mistake of taking out anything other than 85% of my stomach.  I signed my release papers, said a final farewell to my parents, husband, and niece and I was rolled into the OR.  In the OR small talk was made and the next thing I knew I woke up in the recovery room nauseous as ever.  I couldn't move, I was scared to death, and I was thinking "did it work?"  The nurse gave me peppermint to sniff and that helped with the nausea, a little.  I had IV pain meds and was wheeled up to my room.  All I wanted was my family and they were no where around.  :(  It seemed to take forever, but they finally showed up.

Once the catheter was removed I knew the drill - walk and sip, walk and sip.  I did so many laps around that hospital floor I think I may have wore my own path, which is quite possibly still there today.  :)  I was given nothing to eat or drink that night, but did get a lemon flavored sponge to wet my mouth.  The next morning I was served "breakfast" - Propel water, jello, and broth.  If you think regular hospital food is bad, try bariatric surgery hospital food.  BLEH!!!  So, I sipped the Propel and then just plain old water.  By 11 am I refused all pain meds, as they made me nauseous and I didn't really need them.  That afternoon I was released to return to my surgeon's office in a week for follow-up.  Once home I continued the routine of walking and sipping . . . and the rest (as they say) is history.

Fast forward to this week, one year later.  I met with my surgeon 2 days ago and my nutritionist today.  My one year labs were FANTABULOUS!!!!!  I am no longer pre-diabetic, my sugar levels are low-normal; I no longer have high cholesterol, my LDL and HDL levels are PERFECT; my vitamin D level is on target; my B12 level is slightly elevated; I now have to cut back on the amount of those two vitamins; my iron level was a smigin low (11 vs normal 11.1), but my iron levels have historically been very low, so I'll take it.  My energy level is through the roof, and I could not be happier.  Well, that's not exactly true.  I could be happier if the damn scale would move more.  According to my surgeon, I have lost 64% of my excess body weight, but they go by my weight the day of surgery.  If you calculate from my highest weight, I have lost 71% of my excess body weight.  And while I realize that's nothing to sneeze at, like everyone on a weight loss journey I want more.  I want to hit my personal goal (to be a "normal" bmi).  I had a GREAT visit with my nutritionist today and the outcome was I'm still eating too many processed foods, I need to incorporate more fresh produce into my diet, I need to stop focusing on numbers and focus on quality.  And this is the biggest shocker to me - my macros ratio is now 25% protein, 25% healthy fats, and 50% complex carbs.  I have spent the last year minimizing carbs to the extent that I exclude many good for me foods.  I have been focused on the bottom line of calories, not the quality of calories.  This is a HUGE paradigm shift for me.

Okay, enough of the blah, blah, blah.  If you've made it this far, here are some before and after pics.  I have to choose one to submit for the hospital "wall of fame."  Which one would you choose?

                      The top pic is the pic where I finally "saw" myself and knew I needed to do something.

  

Top pics are just before surgery (maybe a month).

Top pic is 2009, bottom is a few weeks before my one year.

And finally, I have always wanted a "goal" tattoo that incorporates my surgery date.  Since I'm not at goal yet, I decided to get a surgiversary tattoo for my baby girl.  It's an infinity symbol on my inner wrist for my "baby" Alyssa.  I LOVE it!

Exciting Stuff

Yesterday was a pretty exciting day for my family.  My baby girl (okay, she's not really a baby, she's six) "moved up" from kindergarten to first grade.  Where, oh, where have the last six years gone?

Here we are right before the ceremony...

Then, last night I got the call that Baby Hezekiah (my great nephew) made his grand entrance into the world. 

Happy Birthday, Hezekiah!!!

An Open Letter

Dear weight,

I know we have been down this road before.  We have said good-bye (many, many times), only for me to welcome you back with open arms.  You have been my friend, my security blanket, my comfort; but I MUST say a final farewell.

I know my history with toxic relationships.  I know that I have always gone back.  But not this time.  I see this morning that you left your little message (via the scale).  I deleted it, choosing not to acknowledge it or reply back.  You are out of my life for good.

You can send all the messages you want, I will reject them.  You can try to invade my thoughts, I will change them.  I am stronger than you.  I choose ME over you.  I choose my health, my family, my life.  You are no longer welcome.

Good-bye FOREVER,

Me

Letting Go...

I have been married for 7 years, and never have I allowed my husband to pick me up.  Though he is thin, I know that he is very strong and I have seen him pick up heavy pieces of furniture.  However, due to my size, I never allowed him to pick me up.  Whenever he would try, I would drop to the ground like a kid who doesn't want you to move them/pick them up.  Even when sitting on his lap, I wouldn't allow myself to put my full weight on him.  I was that self conscious about my weight.

As I have lost weight, he has periodically asked if he could pick me up.  My response has always been "when I weigh less than you."  This past weekend he asked again.  My first question was, "how much do you weigh?"  Being 4 pounds more than him, I decided to bite the bullet and let him give me a piggy back ride.  I held on to the banister, still afraid to let all my weight rest on his back.  Letting go was one of the hardest things I have done, but I did it.  And I got my piggy back ride.  Baby steps...

Here is a picture of me, hubby, and our daughter.

Planks = Ugh!

When I started the May Challenges I thought burpees would be the death of me. Doing just 10 (modified) I wanted to die. By the end of May I could do 5 modified followed by 15 regular without a break. WOOT!  Now, in the June Challenge planks will be my newest challenge to overcome. I started with a 10 second plank and am up to 30 seconds (on the 7th day). By the end of the month I am expected to do a 2 minute plank. YIKES!!!  I plan on getting there. I won't be pretty. And it won't be easy. But I will be "Giving It My All."

What have I learned???

I have come to the end of the 7 day sugar detox/kick start/reset and I have learned a few things.

• I only need to do 3-4 days of liquids to get the weight loss moving.  This is not the first reset I've done to break a stall and both times the scale started moving around day 3/4.
• I was never as mentally prepared to deal with stalls as I thought I was.  Although I know that stalls and even plateaus are normal and to be expected, I continue to want that fast weight loss.
• I have not gotten past the "diet" mentality.  I thought having the sleeve would equate to steady weight loss and I would not have to "diet."  Wrong, I still want to manipulate my body into dropping the pounds on a schedule.
• At 11 months out, I still have to consciously think about and plan all of my meals.  If I don't, I skip meals (just like I did early on) and that's not good.  Will I ever be "normal" again?
• I am getting healthier and for that I should be grateful, but I'm still fixated on the scale numbers.

I also saw something this morning while doing my June Challenges.  I saw definition in my stomach.  Now don't get me wrong, I am a loooooonnngggg way away from a 6-pack.  However, while trying not to fall off the ball while doing sit ups, I took a peek at my stomach and there was a definite definition that I have not noticed before.  WOOT!

I have fallen off the kick start wagon...

Part of my issue with consistently losing weight (I think) is that I forget to eat.  I know, great problem to have, until your body goes into starvation mode and holds on to every pound for dear life.  For the last 2 days I have forgotten my mid morning shake and ultimately skipped a shake a day.  That may not seem like a big deal, but when you have "the sleeve" you can only hold so much in your stomach at once.  And I often choose (especially when its hot out) water over protein.  So my calories for the last 2 days were lower than they should have been.

Tomorrow is my last day of the sugar detox/kick start/reset and then I will return to scheduling my meals/snacks around my work and workout schedules.  Now that I have kicked the "sugar" cravings lets hope the weight loss continues.

Dig out that stability ball (and blow it back up).

Years ago stability exercise balls were all the rage. We used them in aerobics classes and I bought one to use at home. Yeah right, Alyssa used it more than I did to roll and play around with.

As I was doing my morning "June Challenges" I looked around for something to put under my tailbone. You see, losing 80+ pounds means I have less "junk in my trunk" and my tailbone aches (really aches for days on end) when I do certain exercises. Well, I can't let an achy tailbone stop my flow, so I looked in the corner and saw my ball. I quick googled the exercises I needed to do on the ball and of course, there's a now to video for everything on the Internet.

Sit Ups

Crunches

Leg Raises

Made a few changes.

I've played around a bit and added a few "gadgets" to the blog.  There are now subscribe and follower links, as well as fb and tweet links.  Hope this makes it easier for friends who are following my journey.  :)

I BROKE IT! I BROKE IT!!

I have been stalled (not losing any weight) since April 28, 2013.  This morning, thanks to 3 days of the sugar detox/kick start/reset, I am down 3.6 pounds.  WOOT!!!  I will continue for the next 4 days and then return to normal, healthy eating (as opposed to the shakes).  Thank you, thank you, thank you to my fellow "June Sleevers" for helping me kick start this weight loss again.  Looking to finish out my first year post surgery as strong as I started it.

It's a SMALL, y'all!!!

I bought this as a "hope" dress since the store didn't have my size (medium).  I figured by mid summer I'd wear it (with shape wear underneath).  Tried it on this morning and WOO-freakin-HOO, it fit!!!!!!!  Now, I did still have to wear shape wear underneath because it is see through and I have not yet bought a slip in my current size.  But I could have totally rocked it without the shape wear.  Next to me in the picture is my 6 year old daughter - who is still learning to smile with her newly missing 2 front teeth :).

June Challenge

I am all about challenging myself.  Can I go farther?  Can I do more reps?  Can I beat my previous time?  Can I do more without being as exhausted? 

 During the months of April and May I challenged myself to complete the Couch to 5K program.  I can't tell you how many times I started that program, but I finally finished it.  Now, I LOVE running.  Yes, me.  I.LOVE.TO.RUN!!!  I have now taken my runs outside and it has become almost therapeutic.  I can just let my mind wander and let it all out.

During the month of May I challenged myself to wake up at 5 am every weekday morning and 6 am every weekend morning to complete the squat, crunch, and muscle challenges (all found on facebook)..

I also completed the "May Exercise Challenge" found here.  I went from nearly dying from the modified version of the burpees on day 1 to doing full sets of burpees by the end of the month.  

So, now that the month of June is here, I will be redoing the squat challenge (have I mentioned how much I love squats) and adding in the ab challenge. 

I have had problems with sit ups in past challenges because of an achy tailbone.  My goal will be to find a way to make it work.

How will you challenge yourself?

I want what I want, and I want it RIGHT NOW!

But don't we all?  Isn't that what gets us into trouble more often than not?

Last night I visited my parents and found myself getting in a funky mood.  Why?  Because I wanted to eat.  No, I was not hungry; I purposely ate before I went there.  I just wanted to eat.  I always want to eat when I am there. 

I made myself leave early to escape the desire to eat and as I reflected on my ride home I realized that I have to retrain my mind that I "need" to eat while I am there.  That will have to start with me not heading to the dining room table as soon as I walk in the door.  No matter if I plan to eat or not, that seems to be the gathering place to sit and chat as a family.  And of course sitting at a table, I naturally want to eat.  So today I will return, and I will sit in the living room.  Baby steps.

When I got home I was deep in a funk, so I sent myself to bed.  This was my method of escaping the desire to eat that was still present and so that I would not "cheat" and give in to the peppermints.  Yes, I still want those damn peppermints!  But the problem with peppermints is that they multiply - one turns into three, and three turns into eight, and before I know it, I've eaten more than I choose to count.

The more and more I think about "cheating" (or giving in) the more I realize that I am only cheating myself.  Didn't I promise that I would be "Giving It My All?"  That is not to say that I will never have another peppermint, or another cake, or any more pretzels, or whatever the snack I desire.  What is does say is that I am still learning and growing and I need to set and stick to limits.

I.AM.HUNGRY

OK, not really hungry (that part of my stomach was removed), but I'm head hungry.  

In an effort to break a month long stall I am participating in a "sugar detox."  I will have protein shakes (that contain 4 grams or less of sugar) every 2-3 hours and food for dinner that contains no sugar and little to no carbs.  When I first heard of this "detox" I thought, "I'm not addicted to sugar."  But I think I may be.  I know I'm head hungry (not really hungry) because all I want is a peppermint (sugar).  But I will get through today, and tomorrow, and the following 5 days and I will break this DAMN stall.  GRRR

For those of you not familiar with VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy), don't worry.  I am not depriving myself of nutrients.  The protein shakes, along with the meal I will eat, will have all the nutrients I need.  I also take vitamin supplements (as per my surgeon's orders) to make up for deficiencies.  In fact, this is the same "diet" I did pre-op to get ready for surgery, only there was no meal during that time, and I had a full stomach.  It was much harder then than it will be now.  I hope.

So I'm good, at least for now, until I get my peppermints.  :)

Giving It My All

15 months ago I made the life altering decision to have bariatric surgery.  Initially I thought I wanted the lap band, lovingly referred to as the crap band, by those whove suffered it's complications.  Not able to get passed the idea that I would be able to feel it (shudder) under my skin, and that I would require many doctor's visits to find that "sweet spot", I turned my attention to the vertical sleeve gastrectomy and gastric  bypass.  Bypass came with the dreaded "dumping syndrome" and altering my anatomy in such a way that would cause malabsorption of critical vitamins and nutrients.  So "the sleeve" was the way I chose to go.

Coming to the decision to have surgery was not an easy one.  I wrestled with the idea that I could do it on my own, with will power.  Yeah, right.  Will power saw me through losing 40 pounds with Weight Watchers and gaining back 70.  Will power had me joining the gym to "workout" and not break a sweat.  Will power allowed me to give up whenever I felt the slightest bit of discomfort.  I also struggled spiritually with removing a part of my body.  A body given to me by God.  A body that I was supposed to take care of, but had allowed to become fragile and weak.  So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  And then I prayed some more.  I chose to have the surgery at Abington Hospital's Institue for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery.  Abington's program (along with my health insurance) put me (and every other candidate for surgery) through a multitude of tests to make sure that I was a good candidate for surgery, that I would survive the surgery, and that I would be successful after surgery.  During this 3-4 month process, I kept praying, asking God that His will be done, not my desire.  

Once I cleared all the hurdles I was ready for surgery, or so I thought.  God had cleared the way, all signs were a go, and then came the thoughts of my husband and my daughter (5 years old at the time).  I was about to put myself (willingly) through MAJOR surgery, with a possible fatal outcome, to lose weight.  Really?  How selfish was that?  My baby girl could grow up without a mom because I lacked the will power to put the damn fork down and walk away from the table.  Maybe I could do it on my own.  Maybe, just maybe I could be successful.  This time.  Or next time.  Or the time after that.  But here I was, 245 pounds, and gaining.  Who was I kidding?  It was now or never.  So back to my knees I fell.  And I prayed some more.  I prayed for this last chance to get it right.  I promised God that I would "Give It My All."  

Everyday is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  11 months post surgery and I am still "Giving It My All."  I thank God for this gift to get it right, to set a proper example for my daughter, to live the fulfilled life that He intended for me to live, one day at a time.